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Sally's Journal
October 26th, 2003
09:42 am


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Tired. Should be using this bright morning to do maths, not spod. Oh for defined working hours. It's Apple day at the botanics, and autumn, and sunny, and I'm scared to start work because as soon as I realise I can't do it I'll be too miserable to try.

Kate, Nigel and Andrew's party was lovely. Sorry if I spoiled it by moping in the corner, it was tiredness and not misery. And my current need to cling to Matthew. I don't know what's come over me, these past few days, it's a big feeling of guilt over all the bad times of the past fortnight coupled with huge dollops of insecurity that he'll work out what I'm like and start hating me, all wrapped up in the fact that I am bitterly unhappy when he's not around. I keep randomly bursting into tears - reading LJ in the CMS libray on Friday, cycling back from Kates party last night... I'm not sure what it is, just a combination of stuff. My families a mess, my maths is bleak and full of nothing but hard work and hard choices, all my friends are just starting to fill in their milkround forms and I'm worried I should be doing the same instead of clinging to dead dreams and lame compromises, I've been so upset and moody the past week it's made brand new problems with me and Matthew, and then there's a whole host of little stresses with CULES and Campus... and I've realised that even meeting someone as wonderful as Matthew doesn't change who I am or stop me being an incorrigable, obsessive flirt. And I hate myself for that too... But hey....

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