Feeling slightly side-lined. Don't know why. Cathy and Sam the other week left me feeling like this, with their sparkling careers that dash off into their wennish future, leaving me watching the sunset shining on their dust. And M is throwing himself into term with a vigour, a vigour that leaves me watching him run round to radio shows, choir rehersals, talks, and journal clubs, and Cambridge, and the Future, and it isn't my future any more.
Oh woe is me, to allow myself to sink into drunken, lonely self pity. And how hypocritical, to want to meddle in the lives of others with more energy than I have to sort my own life out.
I'm turning into a bitch. If I am not careful, I will get rid of all that I still have left, with my grumpyness, my tendancy to snap, my lack of tolerance, and my ability to obsess boringly. But I barely have the energy to keep going, let alone to fix stuff. I just need something to do... it doesn't need to be Great, or Good, just enough to keep me going and feel worthwhile and pay the rent. Normal people manage it.The sun'll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
There'll be sun
Just thinking about tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow
Till there's none
When I'm stuck with a day
I just stick out my chin
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you, tomorrow
You're only a day away
Of course, as my mother was fond of saying, tomorrow never comes. At some point you have to find the energy to make today something you can believe in. But I'll do that tomorrow...
PS: the more observant of you might have noticed it's my birthday in a week or so. If you like me, please don't wish me happy birthday in scrolling text. Scrolling text really irratates me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so mean, (or so arrogant as to assume I have friends who would want to wish me happy birthday in scrolling text ;) ) Blinking text annoys me too, as does big text. I'm very boring like that.