Today has not gone well. Ah well. I was in work both days at the weekend, and my brain probably needed a day to go Spluge, but if I needed to pull my socks up before now I need to catapult them into orbit. I have, however, exchanged a lot of LJ comments with my lovely and well educated fiends list, and a lot of IRC comments with the mainly lovely #chiark. I must improve my filters for trolls, people being deliberately stupid and obtuse, people who will wind you up for hours but not answer a straight question, and people who are actually too stupid to acknowledge a blatent contradiction. I still can't work out which of the above stark was being. Maybe all four. I allowed my bitchy streak some exercise too, which always makes me feel guilty. I have spent years trying to repress my habit to tear amusingly pointed chunks out of people every time they annoy me, as I'm sure it's not a Good Thing. Ah well, it did amuse some people who increase my karma. And maybe I made him think about stuff, although I worry he was just in it for the wind up and the argument and doesn't care if people are saddled with debt, trapped by their parents, or stuck in class strata with no hope of education... People keep telling me he's nicer in real life. I should meet him in real life and find out.
My deadline is a week tomorrow. I am tired, and grumpy. I have wasted all day in on line arguements, and noone made me do it and that is no excuse. Matthew is about to vanish for two nights which might at least let me work a bit more, but will be miserable. I am confused by wants and meta wants and not understanding what would be for the best. I am confused by everything. What pitifully little bit of a first draft I have is in a dire state. I have drawn a diagram. My head hurts, and my wrist hurts, and my bike is broken, and I've lost sight of why I'm even doing this PhD.
So, I am going to go home, and take a break, and have an evening off. And tomorrow I will keep an eye on my internet use, and give myself hourly breaks but not more than that, and I will sleep in in the morning and enjoy my dreams (hah!) and I will work late in the evening. If I can stay up till midnight being scintallating and fascinating and flirtatious I can damn well stay up to write a first year report and save my career and job. Yes
And I don't want hugs. I want that steely cord of determination and belief in myself that I used to have to hand but seem to have lost in doubt and inability to work... (Of course that doesn't mean hugs arn't nice. Hugs can be very nice indeed...)