Matthew has gone to Essex. It's a bad time for him to be away, what with housemoving stuff etc. But I feel sorrier for him than I do for me, because I am in Cambridge and can Do Things, whereas he is stuck on his own in Essex. I hope it's a good course. I wish I could be there with him.
Last Monday, I went to the pub with climbing-Alex (although he is now very definitely more running-Alex than climbing-Alex) and the rest of the victorious pub quizzers. I bumped into Abi and Martin, and then Ben-who-dances. It was sunny, the wine was nice, and there was a feeling of being in My Cambridge again. In Ye Olde Days I could go anywhere safe in the knowledge I would know people, but now it is safer to go places where I know people will be. (Half of the youngsters I know now I know only on IRC and LJ, and wouldn't know if I met them anyway. I should try and meet more of you IRL, in my copious free time) The feeling of spontanious friendship left me on a high for the rest of the evening, especially when lots more assassins turned up. I hope that next year, being more in the centre of things, it will be easier for people who knew me once, but have drifted away, or who only know me through LJ, just to pop in for cups of tea and getting to know each other. I was, however, good, and did not stay up watching films until the small hours. Although I wanted to. Is this what is ment by being old?
The end of the day
We’ll remember the days
We were close to the edge
And we’ll wonder how we made it through"
The house move draws near. The contract continues to be ridiculous. One clause says we can only keep "usual domesticated animals" and another clause says we can't keep any animals at all. We also have to inform the agents if "infectious disease breaks out on the premisis". I can see M taking great delight in phoning up Russels every time one of us gets a cold. And after all the faff, they didn't actually change the bits of the contract they said they were going to change, so if M hadn't checked it we'd have signed an unaltered one after all.
"I wish I was
We have dismantled our bed. The room looks very empty. I think there is a good chance I will never get a room that nice again in my life. It was yellow and pointy and caught the morning sun and had a round window.
Work sometimes goes, and sometimes doesn't go. I have a busy week ahead with something to do every evening. Trying to keep on top of work as well will be fun, but trying to do the other bits that need doing (IVFDF stuff, renting vans, signing the contract etc) is just using up all my available brain. Keeping lists is usually a good solution to this problem, but there's a limit to how many lists one girl can make.
"The Tingle as you spin that web of lies,
leads to a tangle that hurts the more you try."
Read through old diaries the other day, which was probably not a good idea. Oh, but how life was fun! Being in love with everyone and running along the catastrophic curve... crying and laughing and dancing... but I hurt too many people and there wasn't any point. I mean, people need people they can rely on, to know and love and share their lives with. Mad nights of talking and kissing under the stars and then heartbreak and lonelyness... it makes you feel alive, but is the pain worth the hit? You can't love everyone as much as they need to be loved. And in trying to do so you hurt the ones you already love far more than I ever noticed at the time. Didn't seem real, looking back... I wonder if Tom and Stu remember the old me far more than I do. And I wonder if that's my subconcious deliberately blanking things out, or just me forgetting.
And yet, though I love being more stable, I hate it too. Hate having to be in control of my emotions, having to think about what things mean, and whether I'm saying what I think I'm saying. Writing the flirting quiz made me wonder about why I flirt. I think it's a whole mix of the reasons I gave there, because I love flirting, because I love the person I'm flirting with, because I love being hugged and stroked and because I can see enough potential... what would life be like to wake up to them every morning, to know the secrets of their heart and be their true love?
"Can't control control the flame, but who the hell would want to calm this fever
Can't control control desire but who the hell'd want to stop it now?"
Ah, potential. That weasleword. If I just do "what I want" on a case by case basis I get into the mess i was in in first year. There will seldom be only one person I could answer "Yes, I love you, and would love to be yours". But at the moment there is "but I want to be Matthews more
and I can't do both". But that's a rational thing. The greedy bit of me wants to do everything. To marry Matthew, to never settle down, to seduce half the SGO, to travel the world, to never leave Cambridge, to go to the moon, to be prime minister, to work in Africa... And my rational brain tells me that these are contradictory, that I have to pick, and I think about it hard, and make what I think is the right decision.
I try to get this point across to M in the context of money. Yes, I know you want a new computer. And I know you want a waistcoat. But if you could only have one, which do you want *more*? For that is the question.
Of course, it becomes a mute question if the waistcoat is not for sale. This is the ironic thing about agonising over love. I could jack it all in and attempt to run off with my mad crushes, and they'd probably turn round and tell me they were quite happy without me, thankyou. And there is no safe way to find this out...
"You know that you'll survive
The day you realise
You can't stop day from turning into night"
Sadly, what do I want more is an unanswerable question. What will make me and the people I love happiest, and do the greatest amount of good in the world, or some equally wooly and vague metric. But I will never know if I won. It's like when there are roadworks, and you're faced with the choice of sitting in traffic, or taking a detour. You make your decision, and you do it, and you get there in the end. But you don't get to see the identical you, the you that went the other way, and you never know if you got there earlier or later on the alternative route.
"What's the use in crying then?
It's the way of the world
And you know you've got the chance to change
And the brilliant thing is there's a million things
That you know are always gonna help you take your mind off"
Maybe when you arrive at heaven they let you know: You picked the 1128th happiest life you could have, out of 999......999 possible lives you could have lived. That would be a great acheivement. And yet I would still mourn for the 1127 mistakes I made.
"Laugh about it, shout about it
When you've got to choose
Ev'ry way you look at it, you lose"
How do people not tear themselves to pieces over what will never be and what went wrong? I am so so happy with all I have, and yet I still long to do everything, be everything, love everyone.
"The tingle as you first look in those eyes,
leads to a tangle of paper chains for life.
do you feel the same way too?
After all this time,
could you feel the same way too?"
Reading my diary made me realise how many wonderful people I miss. The ones I just don't see, I should make an effort to visit. The ones that actively hate me for evil things I have done to them... well, that is harder. I'm not sure what to do about that.
"perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine"
And I'm not sure how to relate to people. When I fell head over heels for someone when I was a wild undergraduate, and I wanted them to know I thought they were the best thing since sliced bread, I would kiss them, and tell them I loved them, and hold them close. But without doing that, how do you let someone know you think they're one of the most quality people you know, that you admire them greatly, and that you want to go out of your way to spend time with them, and do whatever you can to make their life better? That's what I need to learn. How to say "you're great, I love you, I need you in my life" without it being anything to do with sex, and no challenge to M and me. Of course, this is hard, because the original method fufilled both my longing to let people know I thought they were great, and my longing to be kissed, and stroked, and make wild love with people I had crushes on. Disentangling the two is hard.
"look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime"
I'm missing M. I hope he doesn't think any of this LJ rambling is important. I just wanted to write stuff down. I mean, it is important, but it's only important because I want to work out how not to make stupid mistakes by acting on instinct. I mean, my instinctive answer to "do you want to kiss foo" is "yes", with an awful lot of people. I should make my brain ask me "Do you want to kiss foo and live with the consequences?" or indeed "Do you have a clue what the consequences of this would be" That's the nice thing about party snogging, everyone knows that it isn't Meaningful, and there shouldn't be Consequences, and so it can satisfy the half of me that needs to be kissed. Of course, it's when the two things I'm trying to do get tangled that it messes with my brain...
"Can you imagine us years from today,
Sharing a parkbench quietly
How terribly strange to be seventy"
I do love him. I want to marry him, and I want to live with him, and I love him, and all these things are true sufficiently more than they are true about anyone else that I'm doing the right thing :) Now, why isn't he in the right county?
"'Kathy, I'm lost", I said, though I knew she was sleeping
'I'm empty and aching and I don't know why"
Mum is still ill, waiting for her gall bladder op. Dad is still bad on his hips. If only I could persuade them to take the wedding money and just get the damn operations done privately so they could get on with their lives. Still, they're against private stuff. Wouldn't let me take an assisted place. And they're against spending money on things they don't have to. But why why why is the NHS so sloooow?
"And I don't know a soul who's not been battered
I don't have a friend who feels at ease
I don't know a dream that's not been shattered or driven to its knees
But it's alright, it's alright, for we live so well, so long"
Susan has also been ill this weekend. Which had the plus side of meaning she came to visit. It was nice to see her. Sunday dinner for 4 and a random fish rissotto all at the same time on 5 hobs was a bit exhausting though.
We lost at Starcraft. Emp needs practise at loosing at stuff. Or perhaps just never to lose. When I'm awake, and not just playing starcraft as a kind of prettier tetrus, it is better to play a game I'm not sure if I will win or not. However, playing a game I'm certain I'll lose is just as pointless as one I'm certain I'll win, and a good deal less fun.
Mum bought me stuff. I have the most beautiful blue waistcoat now. And some dresses that i'm not sure if I like or not, and some wonderful wonderful shoes. I half wish she didn't spoil me when I go home, as I'm always worried she thinks I'm greedy and only go home because she spoils me. I have been lent lots of Lisa's wedding stuff, which will relieve the budget somewhat. We rowed over the wedding. She has given me a very large sum of money, and so thinks we should be able to afford everything, like cars, accomodation for the bridesmaids etc. Sadly, a very large sum of money doesn't go as far as it should when wedding planning. And everyone involved in this wedding seems to have different priorities. I'm sick of re-arguing arguments from the other side, when M and I have debated whether something was important and then I have to give M's point of view to mum.
And I don't have space for more stuff. Must throw stuff away, sort things out, photograph things I want to remember. But, oh, how I want to horde, and how I think it might come in useful someday, and how I hate throwing things away! I fear there might be an LJ giveaway post at some point.
Nice dinner on Thursday. Sweet potato, good company and nice wine are all one could ask for on a summers evening.
"All I want to do is make you listen from now on
Stop what going on
Stop what's going wrong"
The world has gone mad. It is strange enough that they have bombed London. It is far far worse that the police are shooting fairly innocent men. And yet the boy in Richmond won his case.
"when I think of the road we're traveling on
I wonder what's gone wrong, I can't help it I wonder what's gone wrong"
I would feel better about that were it not for the tabloids baying that this was a great blow to the campaign against yobbish behaviour. Locking up all citizens, innocent and guilty, would, it is true, stop the guilty from roaming the streets. But I think that's a little bit of an extreme solution. Although not as extreme as shooting anyone using the tube in a furtive manner...
"Fighting in the bathroom,
holding back the tears can make you blind."
What do you do, when you feel something terrible has happened, and you know it nearly happened to you, but it didn't, so you didn't say anything, and then it happened to someone else? When you burn with revenge, and want to stop the person who did all this doing anything like that to anyone again, and feel so guilty and useless that you didn't do anything, and want to make sure it never happens again? What if the person you hate is someone some part of you didn't stop loving, for the good interweven with the broken? What if you feel there isn't anything you can do?
"now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep"