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Poll #571576… - Sally's Journal
September 16th, 2005
11:44 am

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Friends who don't tell you they're in a relationship for the first 5 months

Look, just because you feel you have to tell the world everything doesn't mean everyone else does too
2(2.6%)
Some people just don't want to jinx things before they know where they're going
8(10.4%)
It's OK they didn't tell you because they didn't tell anyone else
1(1.3%)
How dare they spend three years whinging at you they don't have a girlfriend and then not bother to tell you when they do!
4(5.2%)
They're just mathmo / compsci types who don't know how to communicate, just pity them
3(3.9%)
They like wielding the Power and Intrigue that having Secrets gives them
0(0.0%)
Look, everyone knows you're a gossip, who in their right minds would tell you anything?
0(0.0%)

(37 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments
 
From:stephdairy
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:51 am (UTC)
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Of course, we're now all madly speculating about who you're talking about!

(S)
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From:senji
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:52 am (UTC)
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I wouldn't go /that/ far...
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From:atreic
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:55 am (UTC)
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Oh, no-one who anyone knows, a person-with-no-LJ I know from when I was an undergrad.

But it's a phenomina I've noticed before (naming no names, tienelle and chess) and it's something that sits really uneasilly with my habit of telling-people-everything.
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From:naath
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:01 am (UTC)
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We all knew about Nick'n'Chess... how did you not?

I think that partially people just sort of go from 'this is new and I'm not going to jinx it' to 'everyone knows anyway' without realising that you never found out, especially if they see you often. Personally I do 'is this really a thing? is this thing going to work? are they going to kill me if I say things in public?' before getting arround to 'why bother announcing things, everyone noticed'.

Also, some people, like the 'tee hee no one noticed us being terribly obvious, aren't they thick', which can infact be *very funny*.
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From:atreic
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:06 am (UTC)
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Well, you do live with them. I found out that Chess was engaged from a random LJ comment in someone elses LJ, and she didn't tell her own LJ until *much* later (months after the event, if I recall).
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From:enismirdal
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:22 am (UTC)
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Oh, it's those two? I think they are fairly discreet couplewise. I seem to remember I caught on from hints on their LJs/in person, but only really got confirmation when they announced their engagement a while back.
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From:deborah_c
Date:September 16th, 2005 02:36 pm (UTC)
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She's engaged? *blink*
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From:atreic
Date:September 16th, 2005 02:52 pm (UTC)
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See, that's exactly the kind of thing I mean. ghoti posted "Who wants to be on my wedding filter" and I replied saying "I could do with finding out about weddings" and Chess followed up saying "me too". And I was like "do you mean what I think you mean?" and she did. But I think she posted to LJ about it eventually, and she does wear a very pretty ring on the appropriate finger, so it's fairly obvious once you know. They're planning on getting married August next year I think.

Assuming we're talking about the same chess
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From:aiwendel
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:39 am (UTC)
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mmm I'm with you, I think things easily go from "is this real?" to "everyone knows anyway" and announcing things then seems silly :)
From:stephdairy
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:04 am (UTC)
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Except with people I talk to and witter at (which is quite a large set, admittedly) I probably wouldn't explicitly tell people I was in a relationship, at least not at first. I'd probably go `um, well, er, yeah, see' if asked.

I'm at once a very private person who enjoys having secrets and a person who feels the need to tell close friends those same secrets.

(S)
From:senji
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:41 am (UTC)
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Lots of times it's "well, we're sort of going out" or what have you, and enunciating that sort of thing is often quite hard.
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From:cartesiandaemon
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:46 am (UTC)
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Oh, no-one who anyone knows, a person-with-no-LJ I know from when I was an undergrad.

Have you taken the 'cambridge is very small[1] (tm)' effect into account? :)

As to whether it's odd... I don't know. It depends partly how you see them; if you see them alone it's easier to talk about, if you see them in groups it might seem too odd to just blurt it out, though you'd think it would have come up at some point.

[1] Last night I discovered susan went to school with Tim and Tom.
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From:atreic
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:51 am (UTC)
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Well, OK. Cambridge *is* very small. I should have said "no-one steph knows" and even that may have been proved untrue.

I only know Tom and Susan because they went to school with Tim! Or do I only know Tim and Susan because they went to school with Tom? Something like that...

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From:cartesiandaemon
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:56 am (UTC)
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Yes, something like that. Though they were all in our year doing maths too.
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From:enismirdal
Date:September 16th, 2005 10:54 am (UTC)
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*chooses random tickyboxes as is ignorant of persons involved*
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From:lisekit
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:06 am (UTC)
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I don't tell if I'm not asked. I don't keep things actively secret, but I've had things escape people's notice just because I haven't been asked.
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From:atreic
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:20 am (UTC)
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I don't feel I can ever ask though. I mean, if people have been stressed that they don't have a girlfriend for ages, coming out with "By the way, do you have a girlfriend yet" doesn't make one popular. And even "Gosh, you haven't whinged about not having a girlfriend for ages, does that mean you've got one?" isn't going to go down well whatever the answer is.
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From:ilanin
Date:September 16th, 2005 12:22 pm (UTC)
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You never seem to be very bothered about either of those around me...
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From:cartesiandaemon
Date:September 16th, 2005 01:01 pm (UTC)
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Well, if you know someone *well* enough it's ok. But stopping people in the street and saying "Aren't you lonely" is considered untactful (according to the guidelines my non-mathmo friends made me carry :)).
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From:feanelwa
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:07 am (UTC)
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Maybe they just forgot they hadn't already told you? I forgot to tell one of my best friends when I broke up with Andrew because I thought I'd told her and not the other one instead.
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From:the_lady_lily
Date:September 16th, 2005 02:15 pm (UTC)
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Yes, but that's just because it's us. I don't think you could apply that as a blanket rule to the world ;)

(Memo to self - I owe you a proper life-update [such as it is] e-mail. Prod me if one hasn't arrived after the weekend.)
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From:ewx
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:28 am (UTC)
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Telling a known gossip saves the effort of telling everyone yourself l-)
From:senji
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:43 am (UTC)
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Maybe one should issue press releases to gossips?
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From:ewx
Date:September 16th, 2005 06:42 pm (UTC)
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Sounds a bit OTT, but then I have no gossip currently...
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From:cartesiandaemon
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:47 am (UTC)
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I often take this approach, especially with things that might be embarassing to keep repeating. I even had gay man say "Damn, I wish I'd thought of that" regarding coming out to his family :)
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From:ewx
Date:September 16th, 2005 06:42 pm (UTC)
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*laugh*
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From:oedipamaas49
Date:September 16th, 2005 05:47 pm (UTC)
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that's often worked for me, although I tend to need different gossips for different groups of friends.

Otherwise, it's suprising how little these things come up. People don't often ask you "are you engaged", or "do you have some horrible disease", or whatever.
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From:tienelle
Date:September 20th, 2005 11:01 am (UTC)
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In hindsight, we probably should have. As it was the information sort of dribbled out, and we didn't get to use it as a tracer.
(Deleted comment)
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From:fluffymark
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:53 am (UTC)
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*nods* I tell the world everything, and just really feel uncomfortable when someone close holds back important life stuff like that. I can understand if people forget, or if they need asking before telling (and I *do* ask), but sometime people deny things even in the face of overwhelming evidence, and that just irritates me. Just last week I booked a trip to Riga with my best friend C, and it was only when she forwarded me info on the hostel booking did I notice that she'd booked a double room to share with her friend D. I've chatted with her a few times since, and she's still not admitted to being in a relationship with him. She even deletes any comments he posts on her LJ that give any hint that they may be together. Is most odd. :/
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From:angoel
Date:September 16th, 2005 11:54 am (UTC)
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They don't realise that they're in a relationship, despite it being obvious to everyone.
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From:satanicsocks
Date:September 16th, 2005 12:17 pm (UTC)
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that's actually a very good point, some people would give public announcements at the first date, others wait until much much later :) I remember having past conversations along the line of "are we going out then?" "I suppose we are" :)
From:neonchameleon
Date:September 16th, 2005 12:59 pm (UTC)
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Was it a case of not telling you or not making a big fuss over an announcement, and just leaving it to the grapevine?
From:(Anonymous)
Date:September 16th, 2005 01:00 pm (UTC)
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Being me when people don't tell me things it is because they are afraid the other person would be frightened of me or 'removed'.
Abner
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From:andrewwyld
Date:September 16th, 2005 01:28 pm (UTC)
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Never underestimate the power of jinxing it.  I speak as one who knows.  Actually, it usually goes pear-shaped when I don't tell anyone, either, but that just makes me glad I didn't.
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From:passage
Date:September 16th, 2005 05:39 pm (UTC)
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So you're sure they're a friend? And you have spoken in the last five months?

I find it appaling, but it's not the first time I've come across it. on reflection 'and' might be a better conjunction than 'but' for that sentence.
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From:ashfae
Date:September 17th, 2005 05:04 pm (UTC)
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Ditto the first not wanting to jinx it slipping into assuming everyone knows without realizing someone doesn't; this happens to me all the time. (I'm the one who doesn't know, I mean, because people tend to assume I'll have heard, and I never do)
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