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Today has not gone well. Ah well. I was in work both days at the… - Sally's Journal
August 23rd, 2005
05:15 pm

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Today has not gone well. Ah well. I was in work both days at the weekend, and my brain probably needed a day to go Spluge, but if I needed to pull my socks up before now I need to catapult them into orbit. I have, however, exchanged a lot of LJ comments with my lovely and well educated fiends list, and a lot of IRC comments with the mainly lovely #chiark. I must improve my filters for trolls, people being deliberately stupid and obtuse, people who will wind you up for hours but not answer a straight question, and people who are actually too stupid to acknowledge a blatent contradiction. I still can't work out which of the above stark was being. Maybe all four. I allowed my bitchy streak some exercise too, which always makes me feel guilty. I have spent years trying to repress my habit to tear amusingly pointed chunks out of people every time they annoy me, as I'm sure it's not a Good Thing. Ah well, it did amuse some people who increase my karma. And maybe I made him think about stuff, although I worry he was just in it for the wind up and the argument and doesn't care if people are saddled with debt, trapped by their parents, or stuck in class strata with no hope of education... People keep telling me he's nicer in real life. I should meet him in real life and find out.

My deadline is a week tomorrow. I am tired, and grumpy. I have wasted all day in on line arguements, and noone made me do it and that is no excuse. Matthew is about to vanish for two nights which might at least let me work a bit more, but will be miserable. I am confused by wants and meta wants and not understanding what would be for the best. I am confused by everything. What pitifully little bit of a first draft I have is in a dire state. I have drawn a diagram. My head hurts, and my wrist hurts, and my bike is broken, and I've lost sight of why I'm even doing this PhD.

So, I am going to go home, and take a break, and have an evening off. And tomorrow I will keep an eye on my internet use, and give myself hourly breaks but not more than that, and I will sleep in in the morning and enjoy my dreams (hah!) and I will work late in the evening. If I can stay up till midnight being scintallating and fascinating and flirtatious I can damn well stay up to write a first year report and save my career and job. Yes

And I don't want hugs. I want that steely cord of determination and belief in myself that I used to have to hand but seem to have lost in doubt and inability to work... (Of course that doesn't mean hugs arn't nice. Hugs can be very nice indeed...)

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From:megaleena
Date:August 23rd, 2005 04:32 pm (UTC)
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*offers you steely cord of determination and belief in yourself and hugs too*
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From:emperor
Date:August 23rd, 2005 04:38 pm (UTC)
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Steely cords, eh?

;-)
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From:captain_aj
Date:August 23rd, 2005 04:38 pm (UTC)
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"I want that steely cord of determination and belief in myself that I used to have to hand but seem to have lost in doubt and inability to work"
Hmm, you seem to have dipped into my mind and pulled out pretty much how I'm feeling at the moment ... so you definitely have my sympathies.
Although in my case, it flickers on and off rather than being gone entirely.
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From:miss_next
Date:August 23rd, 2005 04:42 pm (UTC)
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dakegra posted this link this morning. I've just clicked it again and it gives you the beginning of the article, telling you the rest is for subscribers only, but it gave me the whole thing when I first looked at it, so you never know, you may get it too.

I hope it helps.
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From:francita
Date:August 23rd, 2005 04:46 pm (UTC)
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Good luck. And look forward to that sense of achievement.
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From:angoel
Date:August 23rd, 2005 06:15 pm (UTC)
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Stark has freely admitted to following his beliefs, and if they lead to a contradiction, then so much for the contradiction. On the other hand, he's pretty resiliant to people telling him that he's wrong, so I don't expect that he'll mind your bitchyness too much.
From:ex_robhu
Date:August 23rd, 2005 06:32 pm (UTC)
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Sorry, all I have is hugs. *hug*
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From:robert_jones
Date:August 23rd, 2005 08:13 pm (UTC)
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Ach well, I can't give you any hugs until after your first year report anyway, which, by the way, is going to be fine. It always is. I mean, people might be sarcastic at you, but it will be no worse than that. But yes, I recommend staying up until midnight, with coffee and biscuits and cranberry juice. Sleep and work. It will be fine.
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From:pjc50
Date:August 23rd, 2005 08:49 pm (UTC)
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*hugs* offered anyway. I know what you mean about the steely cord of determination; it comes easier when you're not being hassled on so many fronts at once as you are now.

Steve is much easier to get on with in real life. But to my mind the whole thing just shows how much the discussion on #chiark is centered in its own very narrow class.
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From:sphyg
Date:August 23rd, 2005 09:58 pm (UTC)
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JFDI. Or how about Steely Dan?
From:(Anonymous)
Date:August 23rd, 2005 10:20 pm (UTC)
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Does this happen to all PhD students at the end of their first year? I find myself often unmotivated, particularly about work and with little idea what I'm really meant to be doing it on.

At least I have my first year report mostly done. Not that I've got much else done in the last month.

Matt/Felix
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From:king_of_wrong
Date:August 24th, 2005 01:39 pm (UTC)
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I would expect that is, in fact, the purpose of a First Year Report.

You've spent a year doing research and working on the nitty-gritty details and have lost sight of the big picture. So you have to write a report saying what you've done and inserting a metaphorical "you are here" arrow into your lit review to show you how and where your research fits into the field.
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From:mostlyacat
Date:August 25th, 2005 08:55 am (UTC)
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Hugs and steely cords. Hmm sounds a bit kinky... ;-)
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